more and more each day

so perfect and right...an idea, not a lived out experience

a voice, a hope...

only to be achieved by saying goodbye to a life we already created...

Am I lying to myself

and to him...that I want this, that I see us together...that I love him?  How can I love someone I have only met in person 5 times?  How can I know he is worth changing my whole life for?  What lie am I trying to tell myself..that he is the answer to my happiness?  That romantic, true love can exist for us?  That all I need is him in life and the everything will fall into place?

Am I crazy?

Am I willing to give up 19 years of marriage and my home...my kids' stability for this hope of sweet love with a man I hardly know?  Or do I know him?  Am I nuts?  I feel love for him...I care about him...I want to love him, that's all I know..and it feels wrong to be with my husband now...it's strange.  It's confusing...I love him, but we didn't do this in the right order...we may not be entitled to keep this up any longer...especially if its going nowhere...

he asked me "are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with me?" and then he said "I am in love with you. I adore you." What does this all mean?  Does he want it?

Hiding

behind a mask, behind the lies, behind my disappointment...to build up my strength.  Am I being cowardly, unfair, irresponsible?  How is it that I can carry on without considering the consequences of my actions...I think a huge shift occurred the night of August 6, 2007 - a woman lost, heart broken, hurt decided NO MORE...she wasn't sure how to make the pain go away, she still considered herself to have a good head on her shoulders, but she had to harness the disappointment and disgust in a positive way...to pull herself out of the pain...She decided to start with herself...she decided it was something she could control - her own actions...she could make choices to live a better life, to feel good about herself, to take control of her fitness and health...to feel attractive, sexy, confident...she didn't have to accept the role she had allowed herself to be in...she could change...and she did.  The biggest changes occurred inside herself - her attitude, her self esteem, her self love grew...and physically the changes came as well...No one could deny that she had made changes, just looking at her smile, her body, her energy - it was easy to see.  

Herein lies the dilema - she made a friend, another lonely soul - who craved attention, who was sweet, exciting, and fun...and over time their friendship grew...an appreciation for who they each were...as individuals, and a shared hope of new love...YET the pre-existing family structures were there...responsibilities, years of shared lives with another...