laying it on thick

your words

those words

you are the one

its like one day I will know its the right time

I say there will never be a right time

love,  intimacy, the heart

expressed but not lived out

I'm taking a vacation from words of love.

Today is Day One...I want to enjoy this vacation and let this go.

Go away

exit my mind

go away

I don't want you anymore

goodbye forever

countdown to Valentines

Will you Be Mine? He hasn't asked and I am someone elses.  More like...will you be my phone friend and someone I can see a few times a year?  I don't think so, not interested.  

Funny Valentine...yeah it is actually when you think about it.  Love...what is love?  Attention, desire, lust or just really sharing your life with someone and accepting them and their faults but moving on each day irregardless.  Who do I love?  I think I'm starting to really know that answer.

Love the One You're With...what a great song.  It's going to be my motto for the rest of the year...live in the moment, don't romanticize horny men who want phone sex, and realize it all starts and ends with loving yourself.  

Happy Valentines Day to Me :) A few days early.

a day...

I still couldn't keep the no contact rule and left you a message at 8:06 pm...

I'm weak.  Will you call? Who knows.  

No Contact Day One - Taking Control of My Life

Today will be Day One of No Contact

I am in control of my life.

I choose how to live.

I do it for myself, my family, for peace of mind.

I choose to make good decisions that support what I want for my life.

No Contact means no checking the phone, no checking the email...letting it go for today...letting it go, one day at a time.

waking up with tears

I ate and ate last night like a sick person

tears

I can't keep doing this, I can't

this is too hard on me

I can't focus enough to study properly

I'm getting stressed

and I don't like how I feel afterwards

It is not something to glorify or romanticize

It's wrong and its hurting me now

I have to find a way to stop and control this.

I have to.

afternoon delight...

and then an email saying you can't call tonight you have paperwork to do...you will call tomorrow.

I reply saying I'm busy studying anyway - and tomorrow I won't be available since I have lab until 5pm....I feel sort of off - I read the email - I adore you with all my heart...yeah, right...another email, this is getting OLD...very OLD...even the calls...listening to you masturbate, you telling me what to do to myself...is this sad, is this sick, is this just stupid?  Is "this" getting OLD...at the time it feels great, but looking back on it - it makes me feel stupid...It makes me feel used and sort of pathetic that I actually believe what he says.

I am not pathetic.

I believe him.

Maybe I shouldn't.

I send emails of love but...

Maybe its unfair and maybe I am romanticizing this too much. I need some time to clear my head, to stop walking around on the clouds, and to see my life for what it is.  To know that if you decide you can do it - that I am ready to move on as well.  To start a new life with someone, to begin a new part of my life loving you.

kiss

another day

after last night's conversation - today I was busy at school, had a big Lab Practium...and now no emails, no phone messages.  It's only 5 pm but I sometimes wonder if I am making more out of this than what it really is...

I'm always thinking you're going to disappear and go away and this will end...but the things you say - it feels like the opposite...it feels like you want this, you want us to be together for real.

you have said - I want you to be happy

and I have said the same

but what does that mean

together?

apart

ending it?

We'll see if you call...I just live in today - in my reality - and I can't think its more than what it is.

tonight you said

I've changed you

that your hairdresser was so much happier when she started taking care of herself...

that it was through me that you went to the nutritionist and you are feeling so good...

that you weren't eating right before

going thru life like a robot

that you alway gave with little in return - that she didn't allow you to have an exchange of love like I do

that you've been thinking and have some things to share with me

that your mind is clear and you have meant everything you have said to me

that you love all of me - my inner spirit, my positive outlook, not just my beautiful sexy body...

that you can't imagine after we have been together for a few years how much happier and better you would feel if I can make you feel this way from far apart

all these things you say

all these things we feel

still we have our committments

we will talk wednesday or thursday

I say - it so hard talking with you and not knowing when we will talk again.

You say you wanted me to know how much I've changed you

what a positive influence I've made on your life

That you want to make sure I am happy...no matter what 

And I wonder, will you let me down again - will you tell me you can't leave because of your committments....will  you say you meant everything but can't be with me...why are you putting me through this?? 

I know its a huge decision for us...if we do it...its life changing...you have already changed me...

I'm scared 

I love you so much

I won't

go around in this loop of love again...

I will focus on the person right here with me...my husband.

I will love him, like he deserves and work on getting the feelings back again.

we may be sad, we may be in pain

but it will pass

we can move forward and let go

we have to