laying it on thick

your words

those words

you are the one

its like one day I will know its the right time

I say there will never be a right time

love,  intimacy, the heart

expressed but not lived out

I'm taking a vacation from words of love.

Today is Day One...I want to enjoy this vacation and let this go.

Go away

exit my mind

go away

I don't want you anymore

goodbye forever

countdown to Valentines

Will you Be Mine? He hasn't asked and I am someone elses.  More like...will you be my phone friend and someone I can see a few times a year?  I don't think so, not interested.  

Funny Valentine...yeah it is actually when you think about it.  Love...what is love?  Attention, desire, lust or just really sharing your life with someone and accepting them and their faults but moving on each day irregardless.  Who do I love?  I think I'm starting to really know that answer.

Love the One You're With...what a great song.  It's going to be my motto for the rest of the year...live in the moment, don't romanticize horny men who want phone sex, and realize it all starts and ends with loving yourself.  

Happy Valentines Day to Me :) A few days early.

a day...

I still couldn't keep the no contact rule and left you a message at 8:06 pm...

I'm weak.  Will you call? Who knows.  

No Contact Day One - Taking Control of My Life

Today will be Day One of No Contact

I am in control of my life.

I choose how to live.

I do it for myself, my family, for peace of mind.

I choose to make good decisions that support what I want for my life.

No Contact means no checking the phone, no checking the email...letting it go for today...letting it go, one day at a time.

waking up with tears

I ate and ate last night like a sick person

tears

I can't keep doing this, I can't

this is too hard on me

I can't focus enough to study properly

I'm getting stressed

and I don't like how I feel afterwards

It is not something to glorify or romanticize

It's wrong and its hurting me now

I have to find a way to stop and control this.

I have to.

afternoon delight...

and then an email saying you can't call tonight you have paperwork to do...you will call tomorrow.

I reply saying I'm busy studying anyway - and tomorrow I won't be available since I have lab until 5pm....I feel sort of off - I read the email - I adore you with all my heart...yeah, right...another email, this is getting OLD...very OLD...even the calls...listening to you masturbate, you telling me what to do to myself...is this sad, is this sick, is this just stupid?  Is "this" getting OLD...at the time it feels great, but looking back on it - it makes me feel stupid...It makes me feel used and sort of pathetic that I actually believe what he says.

I am not pathetic.

I believe him.

Maybe I shouldn't.

I send emails of love but...

Maybe its unfair and maybe I am romanticizing this too much. I need some time to clear my head, to stop walking around on the clouds, and to see my life for what it is.  To know that if you decide you can do it - that I am ready to move on as well.  To start a new life with someone, to begin a new part of my life loving you.

kiss

another day

after last night's conversation - today I was busy at school, had a big Lab Practium...and now no emails, no phone messages.  It's only 5 pm but I sometimes wonder if I am making more out of this than what it really is...

I'm always thinking you're going to disappear and go away and this will end...but the things you say - it feels like the opposite...it feels like you want this, you want us to be together for real.

you have said - I want you to be happy

and I have said the same

but what does that mean

together?

apart

ending it?

We'll see if you call...I just live in today - in my reality - and I can't think its more than what it is.

tonight you said

I've changed you

that your hairdresser was so much happier when she started taking care of herself...

that it was through me that you went to the nutritionist and you are feeling so good...

that you weren't eating right before

going thru life like a robot

that you alway gave with little in return - that she didn't allow you to have an exchange of love like I do

that you've been thinking and have some things to share with me

that your mind is clear and you have meant everything you have said to me

that you love all of me - my inner spirit, my positive outlook, not just my beautiful sexy body...

that you can't imagine after we have been together for a few years how much happier and better you would feel if I can make you feel this way from far apart

all these things you say

all these things we feel

still we have our committments

we will talk wednesday or thursday

I say - it so hard talking with you and not knowing when we will talk again.

You say you wanted me to know how much I've changed you

what a positive influence I've made on your life

That you want to make sure I am happy...no matter what 

And I wonder, will you let me down again - will you tell me you can't leave because of your committments....will  you say you meant everything but can't be with me...why are you putting me through this?? 

I know its a huge decision for us...if we do it...its life changing...you have already changed me...

I'm scared 

I love you so much

I won't

go around in this loop of love again...

I will focus on the person right here with me...my husband.

I will love him, like he deserves and work on getting the feelings back again.

we may be sad, we may be in pain

but it will pass

we can move forward and let go

we have to

One day down, the rest of my life to go

I can do this...you were off half the day and didn't even care to email me to see how I felt about your email.  You know how I feel, and you are trying to let go.  Or you are relieved you finally felt brave enough to dump me.  I'm not sure about any of this...I wanted to believe it was real, but it never could be real even if it felt real...now that's a tongue twister :) 

There is no good that come of wanting you, thinking of you, or pondering being with you...

no good...because you can't walk away.  Good luck, goodbye, Adios Romeo.

I was nothing special

just a means to an end

the words you said meant nothing

you did not feel that strongly for me

you lied

you pretended

to feel good about yourself

maybe I did too

maybe I am as guilty as you for pretending to love you

we didn't really know everything about eachother 

we just made time to play

that's all

and now you are done

and I need to be done too

I want you 

I miss you

but I know it will pass

one day I'll look back and realize

this is for the best

I have to be strong

I have to move on 

and not look back

I will not open my heart

to you again...

I will not allow you to use me.

I will not be stupid to believe you.

I will not miss you.

I will not give you my time...ever again.

NEVER again.

I will not...the door is closed and I'm building a brick wall.

Today is a good day - January 29, 2009

Hi There,

Good morning :)

Focus on what you are grateful for in your life. I hope you can see how much you have and how you have been blessed with a good life - and reach deeper to find the love you should for your wife since you are choosing to stay.  Be a real man like you said.  I'm planning on being a "real woman" and each day holding on to my optimism and hope. You know I miss you, you know you can't use me, you know I deserve better.  Thank you for letting me go.  I am letting you go for good.

Goodbye.

and now an email...I am in pain

I can't walk away from my reality.  

At first I felt strangely calm reading it tonight, almost a sense of relief...but now its 9:25pm and tears are falling. It really feels awful, my heart is breaking.  How did I let this happen?  How did I open up myself to love someone so much? I remember when it all started I said, there can be no positive outcome...I knew it all along, but it "felt good"... so I got in deeper, and deeper... falling in love with the idea of love...with someone that could never be mine.  It feels really horrible knowing it won't happen...knowing he won't do it, he can't walk away...he can't.

I hate "this"... it hurts.  

a conversation

with you can bring joy to my whole being

a sense of love I have never felt before

a sweet desire to connect with a man I care about so much

makes me realize how much I want to be near you

when we don't talk for a few days however...

all I see is what is in front of me...

my children, my husband, my home, my own goals 

real life isn't perfect

it is full of obstacles, emotions, hurts, and hopes of overcoming

real life is hard

I haven't been so good at real life lately

I've been trying to hide from it 

real life

what does it mean to me?

what am I going to do?

emails

missing you

what does that even mean?  missing someone you haven't seen in 5 months? someone you have just talked to on the phone ... right, missing you.

and then the question...Are we for real?  And what do you want?  and there is no answer.

maybe the lack of an answer is my answer...

we are "imagination"

we are "escape"

we are not real

time is passing

I read about a lady that lives in Utah who loves her husband and family with a passion - and honors them by writing a blog about the joy of their lives...she was in a plane crash, 80% of her body was burned...and now she is at home recovering an extremely difficult, life changing experience BUT still has the same "spirit" inside...

Have I been missing the boat?  Have I been blessed all along and blindly have not seen what is right in front of me? A wonderful husband and 2 beautiful girls we created together?  Have I been allowing myself to see things "negatively" instead of celebrating the joy of our lives together?

I want to celebrate life.  I want to live with JOY.  That is my goal.  I want to have what Nie Nie has...have that kind of love in me and around me....I will try to live it right.  I will try to show my appreciation to those I love...and express love to them.

wanting to meet, wanting to see...

face to face

are we both really feeling the same things?

are we both ready to make a change in our lives?

part of me is very nervous, the other part is very brave

I know everything in life is a risk, and this will be the biggest risk ever...

a risk for a new life, a new love.

the things you say to me...

besides your running goals - I am the biggest goal - to be with me, for more than one day - everyday, days in a row - you love who I am as a person - my heart, my being, my spirit...

the love is expressed

the love is felt

you are there and I am here

I'm not sure what to do now - where do we go from here?

talking to you once a week is hard, I miss you yet I know I need to focus on the day at hand - my studying and responsibilities

the right time

there will never be a right time to leave them

there will never be a right time to disappoint

there will never be a chance for us to be together

and that's okay

I want to move on from here and say goodbye

I want to say goodbye to the lies

I want to say goodbye to the false sense of love

I want to say goodbye to the feeling of disappointment 

I want to say goodbye to expecting less than I deserve from someone I care about

I want to say goodbye to your laughter - because with each laugh and caring word you share with me - you are hurting her, deceiving her

I will not be a party to this cruel game any longer.

I am a better person that "this"

I need it to end for me, so I can  live with who I am.