laying it on thick

your words

those words

you are the one

its like one day I will know its the right time

I say there will never be a right time

love,  intimacy, the heart

expressed but not lived out

I'm taking a vacation from words of love.

Today is Day One...I want to enjoy this vacation and let this go.

Go away

exit my mind

go away

I don't want you anymore

goodbye forever

countdown to Valentines

Will you Be Mine? He hasn't asked and I am someone elses.  More like...will you be my phone friend and someone I can see a few times a year?  I don't think so, not interested.  

Funny Valentine...yeah it is actually when you think about it.  Love...what is love?  Attention, desire, lust or just really sharing your life with someone and accepting them and their faults but moving on each day irregardless.  Who do I love?  I think I'm starting to really know that answer.

Love the One You're With...what a great song.  It's going to be my motto for the rest of the year...live in the moment, don't romanticize horny men who want phone sex, and realize it all starts and ends with loving yourself.  

Happy Valentines Day to Me :) A few days early.

a day...

I still couldn't keep the no contact rule and left you a message at 8:06 pm...

I'm weak.  Will you call? Who knows.  

No Contact Day One - Taking Control of My Life

Today will be Day One of No Contact

I am in control of my life.

I choose how to live.

I do it for myself, my family, for peace of mind.

I choose to make good decisions that support what I want for my life.

No Contact means no checking the phone, no checking the email...letting it go for today...letting it go, one day at a time.

waking up with tears

I ate and ate last night like a sick person

tears

I can't keep doing this, I can't

this is too hard on me

I can't focus enough to study properly

I'm getting stressed

and I don't like how I feel afterwards

It is not something to glorify or romanticize

It's wrong and its hurting me now

I have to find a way to stop and control this.

I have to.

afternoon delight...

and then an email saying you can't call tonight you have paperwork to do...you will call tomorrow.

I reply saying I'm busy studying anyway - and tomorrow I won't be available since I have lab until 5pm....I feel sort of off - I read the email - I adore you with all my heart...yeah, right...another email, this is getting OLD...very OLD...even the calls...listening to you masturbate, you telling me what to do to myself...is this sad, is this sick, is this just stupid?  Is "this" getting OLD...at the time it feels great, but looking back on it - it makes me feel stupid...It makes me feel used and sort of pathetic that I actually believe what he says.

I am not pathetic.

I believe him.

Maybe I shouldn't.