I send emails of love but...

Maybe its unfair and maybe I am romanticizing this too much. I need some time to clear my head, to stop walking around on the clouds, and to see my life for what it is.  To know that if you decide you can do it - that I am ready to move on as well.  To start a new life with someone, to begin a new part of my life loving you.

kiss

another day

after last night's conversation - today I was busy at school, had a big Lab Practium...and now no emails, no phone messages.  It's only 5 pm but I sometimes wonder if I am making more out of this than what it really is...

I'm always thinking you're going to disappear and go away and this will end...but the things you say - it feels like the opposite...it feels like you want this, you want us to be together for real.

you have said - I want you to be happy

and I have said the same

but what does that mean

together?

apart

ending it?

We'll see if you call...I just live in today - in my reality - and I can't think its more than what it is.

tonight you said

I've changed you

that your hairdresser was so much happier when she started taking care of herself...

that it was through me that you went to the nutritionist and you are feeling so good...

that you weren't eating right before

going thru life like a robot

that you alway gave with little in return - that she didn't allow you to have an exchange of love like I do

that you've been thinking and have some things to share with me

that your mind is clear and you have meant everything you have said to me

that you love all of me - my inner spirit, my positive outlook, not just my beautiful sexy body...

that you can't imagine after we have been together for a few years how much happier and better you would feel if I can make you feel this way from far apart

all these things you say

all these things we feel

still we have our committments

we will talk wednesday or thursday

I say - it so hard talking with you and not knowing when we will talk again.

You say you wanted me to know how much I've changed you

what a positive influence I've made on your life

That you want to make sure I am happy...no matter what 

And I wonder, will you let me down again - will you tell me you can't leave because of your committments....will  you say you meant everything but can't be with me...why are you putting me through this?? 

I know its a huge decision for us...if we do it...its life changing...you have already changed me...

I'm scared 

I love you so much

I won't

go around in this loop of love again...

I will focus on the person right here with me...my husband.

I will love him, like he deserves and work on getting the feelings back again.

we may be sad, we may be in pain

but it will pass

we can move forward and let go

we have to

One day down, the rest of my life to go

I can do this...you were off half the day and didn't even care to email me to see how I felt about your email.  You know how I feel, and you are trying to let go.  Or you are relieved you finally felt brave enough to dump me.  I'm not sure about any of this...I wanted to believe it was real, but it never could be real even if it felt real...now that's a tongue twister :) 

There is no good that come of wanting you, thinking of you, or pondering being with you...

no good...because you can't walk away.  Good luck, goodbye, Adios Romeo.

I was nothing special

just a means to an end

the words you said meant nothing

you did not feel that strongly for me

you lied

you pretended

to feel good about yourself

maybe I did too

maybe I am as guilty as you for pretending to love you

we didn't really know everything about eachother 

we just made time to play

that's all

and now you are done

and I need to be done too

I want you 

I miss you

but I know it will pass

one day I'll look back and realize

this is for the best

I have to be strong

I have to move on 

and not look back

I will not open my heart

to you again...

I will not allow you to use me.

I will not be stupid to believe you.

I will not miss you.

I will not give you my time...ever again.

NEVER again.

I will not...the door is closed and I'm building a brick wall.